decision to be made?

slowly recuperating from my first stomach flu
and having to decide which side to be on between 2 ppl i love
sometimes havin a big mouth sucks
to be too honest sucks
to be a natural at overdramatisation may be the disadvantage
worried at exams n mom being a pain in the ass
sigh
on the whole
a bad way to end a good week
i pray daddy gives me strength to focus on wat n who r impt to me now

ok not pray..i plead..

i thank god for a good start to the week with cousins..good company..family.not so good food..but i great time with ppl i love n care bout

another day another dollar..

man..time passes so fast.its already week 10 into the school year.
its funny how time flies without u realising it but sometimes it just seems to drag on.

M grateful that suelynn is back though.always nice to have my running partner to get my butt up and running(literally)
haha gotten damn fat from eating happily..tummy is telling me to stop..haha getting really moody from lousy eating habits..

Ate the legendary fish soup today..felt super damn good:):)
Mom and dad will be here soon..
also another good thing.
haha life as usual would be interrupted..used to think it was a nuisance..but know i guess i AM looking forward to seeing them.especially since i realised i wont see much of them nymore..sighz..

8 years is a long time..
for some things to last..
so pessimistic..
yet i wish..
n pray..


been going out for suppers with kor..quite nice to have the idiot back..
haha
someone that will put up with nything..n is pretty frank bout everything..
its nice to have blunt ppl around..so grateful daddy is keeping me occupied when some1 im so close to is away..its weird how a person can make so much diff in ur life..
makes u wonder how U affect others..is it big or small?

R u another person in their fleeting and short lives.
Today i feel like the pic..
pon n zhi is so good..
haha
he has a pic for all occasions:p
is it possible
to love and hate life at the same time..
so lucky,so blessed..

that ppl care..
that i have ppl to care about..
that im loved by my heavenly father.
that im sane and realise it..

Fear

fear grips u..
vice grip..
it hurts..
yet..

u know..
that all u need to do is..
breath..
relax..and just trudge on with life..
life is full of surprises..
sometimes u just prefer to push them to the back
sometimes u air it n wave it in front of u like a red flag.

so.now.wat.
i know
cant help feeling.
hate the feeling.
useless feeling
redundant and totally totally..
inefficient..
helpless to stop it though..

fear..

whole again?

live goes one
like a race
..as usual there are the ups and downs
but where is the thing called balance..euqilibrium..
rach..y have u been letting ur heart rule ur head?

but then when my head takes over..
my heart feels uneasy..
coz im being selfish..
im not loving.
m i following in christs footsteps
m i .....imitating him(1 chorin 11:1)

well all i know is that im here for a reason..
i may not know it yet..
all i know is that im blessed
to have ppl look after me
to love me
to always be there for me
to knock me on the head when im being silly
or when i take on TOO Much
or when i slack on responsibilities...

daddy..
i understand..
now.
how it feels to want to..
jz leave the earth n be with u..

when will i be whole again?

old hearts..young minds

IS it good to feel old?
is it better to ACT youthful?

recently i realised that i really M a kid..but love being mature about life..
n yet i enjoy simple things like chasing ppl around jz for the fun of it...
hugging ppl for no apparent reason...

n then there is the other side of me..that jz deals with everything neutrally...
actually with no feelings at all..
really startin to wonder whether im schizo

nyways..,.thank u daddy
for being my honey..
its sweet..to be with u..to read ur word..

n yes..to spend time with ppl close to u..with u..
im in love..
i think..
i hope..
if not..im sure growing to fall in love..

bad?good?bad?good?
i dunno..
now all i know is that there really is SUCH a thing as a souldmate..
i believe that love CAN exist...btw ppl..(god is a givem:P)

we shall see whether love enters my life..
the love which GOD has passed to me..through blood..
the love..that results in self sacrifice..being 2nd nature..coz...its for the one u love...
(ironic huh since i think love is overated..yet thrive on it so)

p,s:i miss my family again..bad..
i love mummy daddy,benji,leon,n even'lil' april..
i pray my bros do well for the upcoming a's
tat ben n leon can both get into med
for my sis to remain a good girl n not end up with scars like mine..tat run deeper than the atlantic...
love u...
all

Love unconditional

bumps n dumps..
ups n downs..
m i business mode..
yet..
im hungry..
im thirsty...
i have no time..
feeling lost..
is it wat i want...
was it wat i want..
will it be wat i want..


daddy..
guide me..
lead me..
be the all consuming fire..
fan me into flame again..
i gotta get going..
at least something is decided..
m not entirely happy..
but im at ease
at peace
n

in
love..


thank u..
for teaching me to love again
to love myself..
to love u..
to love others..
n most of all..
to fall..
its not gonna be easy
its not gonna be short..
its gonna hurt.
its gonna be a joy..

i know no one is gonna read this..
i should be studyin..
but i cant..
*breath rach...breath*
but i cant

again..
i wish..i was with daddy now..
worshipping him..
at his feet.
the world is so...bleak..sometimes..
ppl colour it..
love colours it..
i understand wanting to die..
i understand wanting to live..


yet..i dun comprehend myself..
the light of the tunnel....
is enticing..thrilling..yet it hurts to come out into the light..

Y?

realised..
with one good thing
comes something bad
n as usual perspective makes all the difference...
funny how i never see things clearly until someone makes a silly comment
or frowns at me..
y
m i so dense.
DADDY..
i thank u for blessin me n i apologize for u giving me n inch and i taking a mile..
sigh..